Saturday, September 25, 2010

Me Too.


If you haven't read or don't follow her blog...you must. She has a gift. A gift that will warm your soul. Click here to be in awe.

It is so hard to put into words...the past six weeks. She speaks the truth when she writes:

"this again? this heavy, again? are we not over this yet?

[sigh]

we are not over this yet."

No, we are not over this yet. And you ask, will we ever be? Probably not.

You see, Bane wasn't biologically our child. But he was our child. When you are connected with a deep friendship that was born years, decades ago, their children are also your children. We love them as much, we discipline them when needed, we hug and kiss on them as if their cheeks were our own flesh. This is why, our hearts are still so heavy.

If they weren't heavy...it would mean that we didn't
LOVE enough. I don't expect everyone to understand. Even I don't understand at times why I can feel my heart break into two out of the blue. Sometimes it is sparked by a song. This past week it was sparked by consignment preparation. As I was going through Evan's clothes, every garment I inspected I thought: this is Bane's size for the winter; these Robeez boots would have fit him perfectly; this little Polo outfit, he would've rocked...and tears streamed because I couldn't give Sonya a Publix bag full of hand-me-downs for Bane.

Instead, I went through the hand-me-downs that Bane did wear. A friend of Sonya is going to make a blanket of Bane's garments for her and I wanted her to have some of the things he had worn of Evan's. I held them up, looked for little Baney hairs intertwined in the fabric just to see if I could catch a glimpse of him, and I smelled the collars of each piece. Why? Because. I guess it's part of healing. It is a tangible, material connection of his sweet face, that we miss so much. And tears flow now.

There is no time limit on grief. There are no "who's to say enough is enough or get over it." And while this grief is real, it doesn't compare to Bane's mommy, daddy, and big sis. While this grief is real, there are blessings and promises that are real, too and they don't go without recognition.

I am so thankful for all of my blessings that I am undeserving of. I do have joy, laughter, and smiles in the midst of this heavy heart. I see all things differently. I see a soul sister who is grieving unimaginably, who is glorifying God, who is loving on her husband, who is celebrating life, and who is heartbroken because a huge piece of her is not here on this earth with her.

Bane's first b
irthday is around the corner. We will celebrate him, his life, and his legacy. If you want to come to his party, you are invited. Click here for an invitation.



Warm thoughts,


Thursday, September 23, 2010

Whew! and Five Months

I have new thankfulness for my husband. I have always known and recognized how much he gives to our family but tonight, I realize just how much he REALLY brings to us. He has been gone this week, out of town working diligently. It hasn't been all that easy this week considering that I have a full time job, have a two year old in pre-school, a sixteen month old that has been unwell, and juggling all of it by myself. T.I.R.E.D.

He amazes me. He loves on Evan and Kate the moment he walks through our back door and doesn't stop until it's bed time and I can tell...that they are missing him. We have talked to daddy every night on the phone and we have said our nite nite prayers with daddy via the phone. It is not near as good as having him here blowing raspberries on their bellies. Counting down the hours until I hear "It's DADDY!!!"

Onto Five Months:

At Evan's first birthday party, my friends Sonya and Drason brought their Olivia to celebrate. I remember standing in the kitchen when Drason came over to make baby-googly eyes at my 17 week-popping-baby bump. Who would have known that a few months later, I would be making those same eyes to Sonya's baby bump.

When the four of us girls had Annie, Beckham, Evan, and Olivia, we knew of the great fun and memories that were ahead with all of them being just one to three months apart in age. When I found out that Sonya was pregnant again, that we were having round two of the petites, I was so quick to relive those thoughts and dreams of baby Pevahouse and baby Beasley growing up as friends...pre-arranged friends, just like the other four.

Those thoughts of Kate and Bane running around, falling down, crying, eating each other's yogurt bites, and swapping hugs and kisses are no more. What we would give to have those moments back and for more of them. Bane and Kate shared some similarities, for one, their beautiful brown eyes; for two, their body weight. Baney Bane was a big boy, a football kind. Kate is just her right size. Mix those together and they are equal.

Tonight, I saw Bane in Kate. Seated at the restaurant's outdoor table, Kate's brown eyes started to tear and her cry rang out loud. I had to make a quick dash to the car to retrieve her sippy cup of milk. Upon my return, I not only found Kate crying, but my dear friend, Sonya was crying as well.

She sees her Baney Bane when she sees Kate. She hears her Baney Bane when she hears Kate. She feels her Baney Bane when she feels Kate. Though they were separated by five months of age, there wasn't a lot of difference in their mannerisms. Little detailed mannerisms that only a mamma can love and appreciate.


It hurts to see her hurt. It hurt when we were counting all of the kids tonight to figure out how many highchairs and booster seats we needed, only to not count one. It hurt to see Evan, Liv, Kate, and Bex run around laughing and yelling and Nellie in her carrier when one is missing in the mix. It hurt to have three asking for the potty and two in diapers, when there should be three asking for the potty and three in diapers. It hurt when Livi climbed into my car to give Evan and Kate bye-bye love only to have her point to the second car seat and ask me "Is that her brother's car seat?" IT HURTS.

My friend is hurting. Her husband is hurting. That is why I am going to ask you for your prayers in lifting up this family. Their wind is still being knocked out of them every day.

While they are hurting, there is joy to be spoken of, for the ways that Bane's life has blessed many that he left behind; for the ways that Sonya and Drason are blessing those around them even if they don't realize it; for the realization that OUR DAYS ARE NUMBERED and that isn't a bad thing; for the joy is eternal life and eternal life is where BANE IS.





Saturday, September 18, 2010

You Light Up the Sky

Kate, our 16 month old, is linguistically blooming every day. She already knows a few numbers and letters that she has learned from her favorite teacher, Evan. Some of her most favorite words now are "star" and "moon."

Therefore, a favorite song to sing in our car is Twinkle, Twinkle. Tonight we sang it loudly to keep all awake until we arrived at home for medicine dispersal and pajama changing. And it worked! It's so sweet to hear Kate attempt to sing along with the Maggie-Simpson-paci sound mixed into the melody.

Twinkle, Twinkle little star. How I wonder what you are. Up above the world so high. Like a diamond in the sky. Twinkle, Twinkle little star. How I wonder what you are...

Have you ever gazed up into the night sky and just wondered? I am no astronomer and I will never try to be, but I do wonder...about how many stars are there? What is each of their purpose? Why does the moon shine brighter on some nights and not others (besides clouds, obviously)?

Maybe you've heard the song that seems to be semi-newly released on WAYfm radio called "Light Up the Sky." Although it should have always seemed obvious, I didn't truly realize how God uses His creation to constantly show us that HE is with us ALWAYS, until I heard these lyrics sung by "The Afters":

When I’m feeling all alone and so far to go
The signs are nowhere on this road guiding me home
When the night is closing in
It’s falling on my skin
Oh God will You come close

Light, light, light up the sky
Light up the sky to show me You are with me
I, I, I can’t deny
Oh I can’t deny that You are right here with me
You’ve opened my eyes so I can see You all around me
Light, light, light up the sky
Light up the sky to show me You are with me

When stars are hiding in the clouds
I don’t feel them shining
When I can’t see beyond my doubt
The silver lining
When I’ve almost reached the end
Like a flood You’re rushing in
Love is rushing in

Light, light, light up the sky
Light up the sky to show me You are with me
I, I, I can’t deny
Oh I can’t deny that You are right here with me
You’ve opened my eyes so I can see You all around me
Light, light, light up the sky
Light up the sky to show me You are with me

So I run straight to Your arms
You’re the bright and morning Sun
To show Your love, there’s nothing You won’t do

Light, light, light up the sky
You light up the sky to show me You are with me
I, I, I can’t deny
Oh I can’t deny that You are right here with me
You’ve opened my eyes so I can see You all around me
Light, light, light up the sky
Light up the sky to show me You are with me

Yes, I am a song junkie. I don't have the gift of using words poetically, not even grammatically. There is something about a song's lyrics that help me define how I feel at times or remind me of, in this case, how God's creation is all around me, 24/7. And what a beautiful way for Him to show us that He Is Here, always!

One of my very best friends has that gift. Click here, and you will immediately know what I am talking about. From the moment we became best friends, I have known of her gift. From the high-school writings to be graded to the occupational therapy admission papers to the author of Bane's Blog, she never ceases to amaze me. You will enjoy. So, following her "Thankful" list, here is mine...

Thankful for: #1

  • My husband: who gives relentlessly. He is the perfect earthly father to our two children. His love for them and theirs in return, always puts a smile on my face.
  • My Evan: my first born, now toddler. I love how instead of calling me "mommy" his country accent makes it sound like "Ma-maw." His ever-growing-two-year-old mind keeps me in awe. I am thankful that he already knows love. For at night during his prayers, if we miss someone, he will promptly interrupt us and add the ones on his heart. I love his bright blue eyes, like his dad's. I love his sweet, tender smile. I love that he is a ma-maw's boy and craves our time together at night when we rock before bed time! I love that he calls his lil' sis: "Pooh Bear."
  • My Kate: my second born, now sassy 16 month old. I love her personality...I already see a lot of her daddy in her ways. She is curious, she is determined, she is cautious but always willing to take a chance. I love how she giggles when Evan wakes her up in the morning, shaking her crib and sweetly saying "wake up, pooh bear." She gives the sweetest kisses. She is far from delicate as she tumbles with the best of the toddlers and comes up with a grin, as her Grandy calls her "Crash Pevahouse." She too, beginning to know what love is, will initiate bed-time prayers by getting our attention and then swiftly putting her hands together for prayer all with a big smile from ear to ear. She loves her daddy, at it warms my heart.
  • My family: all I can say is, I am Blessed! I hear of so many families that fall apart and some of them for reasons that you would not expect to warrant a divide. I have a family that will drop everything on the spot to help me when needed. Such as this week when both, Evan and Kate came down with a feverish virus, they were there to provide TLC to my two dear ones. I have parents, that gave and give tirelessly to provide for their daughters, their husbands, and grandkids. I have in-laws, that shouldn't be given the term "in-laws" because they treat and love me as if I am their own blood. I have a sister (again in-law that exceeds that term) that has the heart of gold, perhaps the only one I know on this earth with a heart such as hers. I have a brother (again ill fitted term "in law") that has his ways of loving on us and our kids in a way that only he can fulfill. I have a new sister (once again, that term, in-law) that is beautiful and has a smile that will warm your soul. I am blessed beyond measures.
  • My 6 girls: from years that started well before pre-school to this very moment, we have never failed one another. Our friendship is not definable. It is rare and it is from our Lord that we have the love that we have for each other. I can always count on them for ANYTHING, for God-words, for laughter, for silliness, for for-seriousness, and for being just us. My dream for my children, is that they, too will be blessed with friendships that are out-of-this-world, such as my six girls.
I am thankful for so much more...those are just a few.

Please continue to pray for one of my six girls, Sonya and her husband, Drason. They have a heavy, life-long burden to carry and they can not do it alone. If you are new to this blog, click here to read their story...to read about a life of loss, pain, grief, and glorifying our God.


Monday, September 13, 2010

In Today's World...

...this is probably not highly recommended. May I add, especially at night and especially when you have two babies in your backseat.

But-Bane is always in my heart and on my mind like many of yours. Today, I read the latest on his blog about how Sonya and Drason are playing it forward ongoing. Their experiences always speak to me and I continue to wonder how I can continue to play it forward, too. When I do get a chance to play it forward it is planned and purposeful. Tonight...not so much. This was WAY. WAY. WAY. out of my comfort zone!

I was headed home with Evan and Kate in the backseat when our car was approaching the intersection where highway 70 and 96 meet. Pointed east, I past a young woman walking on the side of the road, also headed eastward. Then all of the sudden, "What?!" I felt overwhelmed that I needed to turn around and ask this young woman if she needed help or a ride home. Okay, let's just say if you are reading this and you know MY mother- well, let's just keep this between you and me for now.

So, I did. I turned around. Selfishly I prayed not for the Holy Spirit to lead me to witness to this woman but I prayed for our safety in what I was about to do. I guess I was raised to be very cautious when it came to situations like these. One hundred percent of the time I witnessed, not just my own family but many others, friends and strangers alike, to let these situations be exactly what they are: Some person. Some father. Some mother. Some friend. Some son. Some daughter. Some sibling. to continue on without help. Maybe not even a prayer.

Now headed westward, I pulled over and started my flashers. After rolling down my window I yelled across the highway, "Ma'am, do you need a ride home?" She came running over towards my car and out of breath she was able to get a "yes" out of her. She gets in the front passenger seat and begins to tell how scared she is: that her uncle and brother might be in trouble. You see, her family doesn't have a car. She told me that her terminally-ill uncle and brother walked down highway 96 to the gas station to "get some cold beverages and some bugles." Three hours later they are not back. Worried, she hits the road on foot.

I'm serious here.

Then, still out of breath, she tells me that her mom is in town; that her mom bailed a pregnant girl out of jail; and that the pregnant girl's boyfriend is in a gang and he is dangerous. Now, how that fit into her being worried about her uncle and brother I am uncertain. She jumbled the two stories into one as if she thought this gangster-dangerous-pregnant girl's-boyfriend was out for her brother or something. Needless to say this young woman was scared. She had set out on foot to search for her brother and uncle and was on her way home when I found her. Empty handed. Broken spirit. Wandering on foot.

For those of you who know highway 96, headed eastbound, this young woman directed me to the first housing area on the right. The housing area consisted of homes that were black inside because I am guessing they couldn't afford electricity, trash/unwanted items in the yards strewn about, a place where it is not atypical to see a police car roam. I have to admit, it was not a peaceful stroll in the park for me, however, BANE was ALL I COULD THINK ABOUT!!

I told her, "The reason I stopped to help you is because, you see, I have these close friends who just lost their baby boy. To honor their sweet boy we are encouraged to do random acts of kindness to anyone...total strangers. I didn't pick you. God picked you for me to share Bane's story." I went on to tell her about Christ's love for us and how even in pain, sorrow, and confusion we should glorify God for all of HIS works and that HE will see us through each moment if we let HIM. She asked me where I went to church and I told her. "I want to go to church, but I don't have a car."
As I cautiously drove through her neighborhood, she said "God Bless You and Thank You." She opened the door and as she was getting out of my car she said, "Please be careful. It is so dangerous out there." Before she was able to get out and shut the door, I scrambled for a piece of paper, which happened to be an old receipt, to jot down my number in case she needed a ride to church on Sunday morning.


I felt Broken. Do you break for these people? Does YOUR HEART LITERALLY BREAK? I hope it does.

Yes, I do agree with her that the world can be a dangerous place. But the fact of the matter is: how awful to feel that you live only in a dangerous world. Not one of hope. Not one of love. Not one of compassion. I thought to myself as I drove home how terrible it would be to leave your home every day thinking that the world was only a dangerous place. I would be scared 24/7 if I had that mindset. SHE must be scared 24/7!

I don't know. Maybe she'll call and want a ride to church on Sunday morning. I guess we will see. In the mean time, I will be praying for her, for her environment, for her family, for her safety, for God to make HIS PRESENCE known to her, for her to feel HIS PRESENCE, and to recognize that it is from HIM.

I encourage you to do the same.

Pray for this young woman, whom I don't even know her name.

Pray for the mother that fears the unknown, hoping that she won't be going through what Sonya and Drason are living through.

Pray for Sonya and Drason.

Do a good deed for a stranger. When you feel a tiny tug at your heartstrings...listen. It's probably God telling you to see WHO'S in front of you so YOU can make a difference. Maybe just smile to a complete stranger...something so small can make a BIG difference.

Playing it forward,

Bane's "Aunt" Shelley

Friday, September 10, 2010

Our Not-So-Little Boy



Oh, how time flies.

If I close my eyes and think back to the day in January of 2008 when I returned back to work from maternity leave, I can remember every worry, every check-in call, and every "I wonder if he misses me" moment. I have a friend who gently made it known to me that he was in good hands. She sent me a little card along with a sweet little picture holder all to say "We welcome Evan to the Granny Franny club." And she was right. He loves his "Granny Franny" as if she was his very own grandmother. And she loves him the same. Her love and care is evident through his sweet words and demeanor. Now, he is "big" enough to move on to the next step.

After my first couple of weeks of being away at college (okay, maybe just one week), I called my mom very upset and tearful. I was missing my home. That is when My mom told me, "Change can be so difficult. But if there is no change and there is no next step, that would mean something isn't right." It's great when moms know just the right thing to say. I have never forgotten her sweet words. They spoke to me this morning as I was driving him to his new pre-school.

We have been working hard towards this moment. Potty training hard work that is. With a little help from Thomas the Tank Engine our underwear-wearing, not-so-little boy started pre-school this morning. His teacher had asked that either Matt or myself would stay for his first day to help him adjust to the new environment. I took this request as, "I've had experience with some children on their first day that didn't go well, so stay in case you need to take him back home." So I had taken off of work so I could spend it with Evan and his classmates.

We were the first ones to arrive this morning. Let's just say that he didn't pitch a fit. He just buried his face into me and dared not to look at his teacher. At that moment I wasn't sure if he was ready and to be honest,I wasn't sure I was ready. Even the 'ole Mickey-the-Mouse show trick didn't work. Not too much time later, his first classmate arrived. Miss Addie (the daughter of my friend mentioned above). Sweet girl. When Evan saw her little pig tails come in through the door, he cracked a smile. She was sunshine to me this morning! Right after Miss Addie came, Miss Aubree followed. Quickly, Evan was at ease. These two little girls and Evan have played together many times before and I am thankful that they were there to help him on his first day.

As it turns out, approximately 30 minutes later, Evan's teacher asked him if it would be okay if his mommy left for a little while. I think he barely even remembered I was there. I gave his teacher my number and she told me to call a couple of hours later to see how he was doing. So I did. I ran some errands around town and before I headed home I called to check in. "He fits right in," she said. So we decided to let him stay the full day unless something came up and she would call me. I never got a call. He had a blast! When I walked in to pick him up, he and his classmates were sitting at the mini picnic table having cookies and milk. It couldn't have been a cuter sight...sigh! And to top it off, he had a special coloring picture that he had made to take home!

I love this sweet boy of mine. I love his cautiousness. I love his laugh. I love his half-cracked smile. I love to watch him grow...into a pre-schooler.

Monday, September 6, 2010

Bane's Birthday Celebration...You are invited.


Let us celebrate in a BIG WAY for Bane's birthday!


YOU ARE INVITED!!


To find out more about Bane's birthday celebration click here.

Saturday, September 4, 2010

Grateful

Grateful. Grateful. Grateful. Gratefulness is flowing from my heart.

These words, some of the most beautiful, are from the song Grateful.

If you have a few minutes to spare, be still and listen to this song. It should be the first to play on my playlist.

Be still, listen without distraction, and be grateful.

There were many wonderful songs sung at Bane's Celebration. This one, however, touched me more than the others. I could feel Bane so close with us when the choir sang these words with so much passion. Chills were running up and down through it's entirety.

We are grateful for Bane's life, for how God is continually using his life to better others, and especially grateful for Bane's parents and dear sister.

I hope you enjoy it.