Me Too.

If you haven't read or don't follow her blog...you must. She has a gift. A gift that will warm your soul. Click here to be in awe.

It is so hard to put into words...the past six weeks. She speaks the truth when she writes:

"this again? this heavy, again? are we not over this yet?

[sigh]

we are not over this yet."

No, we are not over this yet. And you ask, will we ever be? Probably not.

You see, Bane wasn't biologically our child. But he was our child. When you are connected with a deep friendship that was born years, decades ago, their children are also your children. We love them as much, we discipline them when needed, we hug and kiss on them as if their cheeks were our own flesh. This is why, our hearts are still so heavy.

If they weren't heavy...it would mean that we didn't LOVE enough. I don't expect everyone to understand. Even I don't understand at times why I can feel my heart break into two out of the blue. Sometimes it is sparked by a song. This past week it was sparked by consignment preparation. As I was going through Evan's clothes, every garment I inspected I thought: this is Bane's size for the winter; these Robeez boots would have fit him perfectly; this little Polo outfit, he would've rocked...and tears streamed because I couldn't give Sonya a Publix bag full of hand-me-downs for Bane.

Instead, I went through the hand-me-downs that Bane did wear. A friend of Sonya is going to make a blanket of Bane's garments for her and I wanted her to have some of the things he had worn of Evan's. I held them up, looked for little Baney hairs intertwined in the fabric just to see if I could catch a glimpse of him, and I smelled the collars of each piece. Why? Because. I guess it's part of healing. It is a tangible, material connection of his sweet face, that we miss so much. And tears flow now.

There is no time limit on grief. There are no "who's to say enough is enough or get over it." And while this grief is real, it doesn't compare to Bane's mommy, daddy, and big sis. While this grief is real, there are blessings and promises that are real, too and they don't go without recognition.

I am so thankful for all of my blessings that I am undeserving of. I do have joy, laughter, and smiles in the midst of this heavy heart. I see all things differently. I see a soul sister who is grieving unimaginably, who is glorifying God, who is loving on her husband, who is celebrating life, and who is heartbroken because a huge piece of her is not here on this earth with her.

Bane's first birthday is around the corner. We will celebrate him, his life, and his legacy. If you want to come to his party, you are invited. Click here for an invitation.



Warm thoughts,